So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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