make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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