when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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