You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
