God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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