Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
