apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I would ride that face into the sunset
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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