he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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