I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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