batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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