somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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