Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
