I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize