Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
