I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
