the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
me + whiskey = a bad person
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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