at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
