I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if i died would you start the facebook group?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
