I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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