I love black thongs
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
