There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
