Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
