its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The cops high fived after they tackled you
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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