Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
