she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
