he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
