remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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