so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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