i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
