I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
