I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
