he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
