my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
