everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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