Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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