You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
