Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I could make wine with my vomit
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
