I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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