he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's rum buckets o'clock
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
