i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
