The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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