just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize