Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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