I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
