To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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