Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
