My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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