Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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