It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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