highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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