Pappa wants mamma naked
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
