did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
