When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
