wrigley field is MILF paradise
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
