why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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