Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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