I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
wanna go halves on a baby?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
