Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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