In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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