last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
