I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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